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OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen