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Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking