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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?