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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying