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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".