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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.