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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.