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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about