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Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it`ll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I`ll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I`m selling potatoes
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"