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I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.