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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.