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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.