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Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.