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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.