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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.