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If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.