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Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
So can we just skip to summer now?
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.