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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.