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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.