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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.