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I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.