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I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....