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This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.