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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1