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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
only 9530 days until retirement.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats