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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen