Daily Silly Status

If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?

I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.

I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.

Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.

Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.

There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.

This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.

Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.

My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?

Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.