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Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears