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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon