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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.