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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.