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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(