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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me