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Partying on my level requires years of training.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.