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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?