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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.