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I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.