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Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"