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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
I give myself the best presents.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.