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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.