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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
I had your cake and ate it too.