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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner