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Worry: a waste of imagination.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your a$$.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.