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Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.