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I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
Some people should come with subtitles.