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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.