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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.