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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents