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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...