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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.