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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them