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Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.