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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.