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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.