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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."