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Iām going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
I saw that! - Karma
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
Iām having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!