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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
I fake my LOLs
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.