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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.