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Before the internet I used to like people.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.