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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
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I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...