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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!