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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.