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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.