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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh