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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"