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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.