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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.