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Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
The only dates I get are updates.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.