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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.