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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
I`m tired of things costing money
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.