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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.