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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Tequila is Spanish for Iām open to waking up anywhere.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.