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They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.