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In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.