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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.