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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.