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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.