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I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I just awesomed all over the place.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.