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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.