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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married