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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"