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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.