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We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.