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I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.