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My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.