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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?