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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Not so great minds also think alike.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.