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Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.