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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.