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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…