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I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Iām offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I`m tired of things costing money
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.