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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!