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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"