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I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.