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How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.