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The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.