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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.