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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
My favorite beer is the next one.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.