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Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell