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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what