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I drink to make other people interesting.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
life is too short to match socks
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am