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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.