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You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.